I’ve been waiting/ more than 30 years /to say this/: “Dad,/ I always told you/ I’d come back /and get my degree.”/
I want to thank /Harvard/ for this timely honor. /I’ll be changing my job next year/ … and it will be nice to finally/ have a college degree /on my resume./ I applaud the graduates / for taking a much more direct/ route/ to your degrees/. For my part,/ I’m just happy that the Crimson has called me /“Harvard’s most successful dropout./” I guess that makes me valedictorian/ of my own special class …/ I did the best /of everyone who failed./
But I also/ want to be recognized /as the guy who got Steve Ballmer /to drop out of business school./ I’m a bad influence./ That’s why /I was invited to speak /at your graduation./ If I had spoken at your orientation,/ fewer of you /might be here /today./
Harvard/ was just a phenomenal experience for me/. Academic life was fascinating./ I used to sit in /on lots of classes/ I hadn’t even signed up for./ And dorm life was terrific./ I lived up at Radcliffe,/ in Currier House. /There were always lots of people/ in my dorm room late at night /discussing things, /because everyone knew I didn’t worry /about getting up in the morning./ That’s how I came to be the leader of the anti-social group.